#10 The Hardly Marvelous Morts

Morts Deli is a new restaurant located in Golden Valley off of 55. Hearing that a new delicatessen was opening nearby, Jews from all over the Twin Cities flocked to the new joint. Morts has a wide variety of the classics: matzah ball soup, pastrami on rye, briskets, along with Rachaels and Ruebens. Despite the delightful appeal of the new hot spot, it is unfortunately unsatisfying. The Matzah balls are so hard, it's like eating a frickin rock. The brisket is extremely overcooked and dry. The chicken wings were atrocious to say the least. There was absolutely no seasoning on them, not even salt and pepper! They should have atleast brought them out with some sauce. The sandwiches are enormous, just like Carnegie Deli. The only difference is that Carnegie Deli's is enjoyable, while Morts' are way off base. The pastrami is too dry and tastes like it has been left in the sun for hours. I would totally recommend this place for a nice night out to dinner, but unfortunately I'm not going to do that. It's hit or miss, and Morts definintely missed.

# 8 Charlie's Angels Haiku

Nat's baby blues shine
Her skin glows from the sun's touch

She jumps in undies

~~

Her lips so pouty

Dylan's curls bounce up and down

She rocks the boy shirt

~~

Alex has secrets

A movie star by her side

She kicks major ass

# 7 La Fiesta de las Tortugas! (The Turtle Fiesta)

My holiday would be called "La Fiesta de las Tortugas."  In other words, it is a holiday all about turtles!  It's time to pay devotion to those wierd green things people walk right past at the zoo.  The holiday originated in Mexico where they started placing bets on racing turtles.  It was then that they realized how fascinating of a creature a turtle was.  The newly found turtle love eventually made it's way on over to the United States! YAY, NOW WE CAN PARTY WITH THE TURTLES! It is tradition to give all your friends a small turtle-related knick-knack (whoa two compound words!) as a present on Turtle Day.  La Fiesta de las tortugas is known for its amazing foods.  Whether it be Turtle Ice cream or turtle chocolates or even turtle soup, you'll certainly fill up your tummy.  A few years back, a few avid turtle enthusiasts tried to free all of the turtles at the San Diego Zoo.  Although their efforts were hopeful, they did not succeed. They had to spend the night in jail.  Even though it was slightly controversial, it was a huge step in the turtles' fight for freedom.  The two turtle enthusiasts eventually became the head chairs of the committee on La fiesta de las tortugas.  Karma is sweet.

#6 The Ugly Car Law

Attention Americans! Just now inside the White House a new law has been created. The “Ugly Car Law” makes it illegal for Americans to now purchase the absolutely putrid Honda Element. Reasoning behind lawmakers’ new plan include how the box shape makes the car extremely non aerodynamic. The way the doors open is just stupid also. Personally I’d look down upon anyone that drives this disgusting automobile. Finally, the government agrees. Now if you already own an Element (god knows why), you don’t have to worry. You will be grandfathered into this statute. Along with this, Honda can no longer produce any Elements in America. No consumer may buy one after January 1st of 2009. Failure to comply results in a six month suspension of a driver’s license for the consumer. It will also result in a steep $30,000 fine if Honda is caught producing them on American soil. Now if you feel you drive an ugly car now such as a Pontiac Aztec or a Scion you may have to worry as well. Luckily, the Aztec has already halted production.

# 5 The Purple Platasauragus

The crazy looking monster to the right is actually the rare and deadly Platasauragus. In their natural habitat in the galapagos islands, they are a dominant species.  There are less than one hundred platasauraguses in the tropical region, but their deadly breath and poisonous spikes make them a serious threat and predator.  The Platasauragus's prey ranges from the smallest of the island birds to as big as a chimpanzee.  Although the strange species is somewhat friendly looking, they are a force to be reckoned with.  Their attacks usually involve hiding out until the prey returns.  The creatures tend to paralyze their prey and then breath on them to finish off the job.  This typically happens in the evening because Platasauraguses are nocturnal.  They also hibernate in the months of December and January.  Why haven't these creatures taken over the world? Well, they are hunted by many fierce tigers and vicious oagers within the jungle.  The monsterous species remains near the top of the food chain in the jungle. 

# 3 Freshly Cut Grass

The blades of grass smelled like a fresh summer morning.  The sun arose and beat down on the ground with a sensation of warmth.  The aroumas of the flowers overcame my nose with pleasure.  It cleared my head and made everything peaceful.  The sound of the lawnmower buzzed like a bee throughout the yard.  The noise caused birds to seem unsettled and on edge.  Steadily humming, the mower plowed over the blades.  Each piece of green cut into my toes with a jab.  As the mower covered each piece of ground, the grass became soft and delicate.  The sun beat down hard, causing sparkles to appear.  They danced over the grass with a burst of life.  The lawn shimmered like moon reflecting on an open lake.  It felt like fifth grade.  It was then that lemonade only cost a nickel and bike riding didn't require a helmet.  Those memories always come to mind on a day like this.   The brightly colored grass always seemed to please the eye. The smells of summer and spring were irreplaceable and indescribable.

#2 The Ever So Exquisite Evangeline

This is so crazy!  It feels like I was just in Canada yesterday ready the newspaper and drinking luke warm coffee.  Ever since the boom of my show LOST, my life has been flipped upside down.  I can't go anywhere without being stocked by paparazi and over obsessed fans.  I know I'm gorgeous, but come on!  Well anyway I was looking at one of the many fan websites dedicated to me.  So CUTE! It really touched me.  I had no idea that people loved me this much.  Ok, that's a lie... I had some idea.  They all think I am a great actress and really dedicated to the craft.  This is true, I mean I throw myself into every role that I play.  I am my character and that's all that matters.  Some fans have written on websites that I have beauty comparable to Marilyn Monroe or Audrey Hepburn.  That is just such a compliment.  I look up to those woman and I hope that I remain a legend just like they are today.  Some fans say that I am nurturing and caring.  I would totally agree.  I think that's why I play my roles so well.  I am just a natural when it comes to playing a part.  I really care deeply about my roles.  I'm just so inspired that my fans love me this much.  It's been years since I have felt this amazing about my life.  I just want to say thank you so much fans for putting me where I am today. If it weren't for you guys, I would still be in Canada with my stale bread and coffee.  I mean I probably would be.  It's hard to know.  Anyway, I love you all and keep on loving me!!